{"id":2782,"date":"2012-10-30T23:52:34","date_gmt":"2012-10-30T22:52:34","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/followthebaldie.com\/?p=2782"},"modified":"2016-10-24T22:18:58","modified_gmt":"2016-10-24T21:18:58","slug":"attack-of-the-killer-pheasant","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/oreneta.com\/baldie\/2012\/10\/30\/attack-of-the-killer-pheasant\/","title":{"rendered":"Attack of the killer pheasant"},"content":{"rendered":"

Walking west out of Gatwick<\/a> this morning, already pretty muddy from the banks of the rerouted River Mole (it doesn't flood so much as fail to absorb its tributaries, but v pretty - a kingfisher, lots of watervoles), and slipping and sliding over very wet chalk and clay on the bridleway to Charlwood, when I start catching up with a cock pheasant hurrying along the track. <\/p>\n

Fifty yards later I'm on its heels, and it ducks through the hedge and starts walking parallel to me, beading me the while. The way is blocked by a semi-submerged, semi-destroyed farm gate, and as I figure out how to get over without drowning or dying of tetanus, the bird rushes out and starts pecking hard at my legs. I back off, it follows, I kick it along the track, it runs back, its eyes bright red, and starts flying round, Hitchcocking my head with beak and claws. I try an impossible karate kick of a type previously attempted on two Bosnian assailants in a place called Enschede. Then: a week off work for me with a bad back, broken legs for one of them when they encored their trick on some nightclub bouncers. Today: me to early mudbath, pheasant in hedge, undamaged and making bloodcurdling broody hen gurgles.<\/p>\n

Evidence from the cream of British MSM (Daily Mail<\/a>, Telegraph<\/a>) suggests a niche support group may be in order for the victims of pheasant attacks. (The Japanese have more aggressive pheasants - see eg Momotarō - but Asian species are different.) I guess this case was a combination of familiarity with humans and territorial defence, although various evidence suggests<\/a> that the latter is normally common in spring - so maybe it's all down to global warming. Whatever, I don't imagine this particular bird will last long in a Boxing Day shoot.<\/p>\n

I have been attacked by various animals, mainly while cycling, and own a fantasy repertoire of defences, mostly acquired from a Yankee cyclepath (eggcorn: wheeled psychopath), conceived with dogs and cardrivers in mind, and all completely unimplementable for a plump coward like myself. For example: as it closes in, bite snout hard and pull forelegs apart till ribcage cracks, eat heart; grab tongue and pull it out; thrust bike pump hard down throat; etc. Bulls you are meant to punch on the nose, horses and cows do actually respond well to arm-windmills, large herds of bullocks or heifers will trample you to death whatever you do, bears<\/a>... But I'd never considered the threat posed by the humble pheasant, apart from its spikey little bones when you give it to a drunk with a meat cleaver to butcher and then casserole the remains.<\/p>\n

On an entirely different note, the ignorance of country folk re their local topography never ceases to amaze. I was walking today without chart or compass - going west isn't that difficult with a watch on a sunny day - and was a tad confused when I left the pub in Newdigate, a village I'd never heard of. Asked for directions to the easiest station to walk to, both a mother-with-child from the social housing and an elderly bourgeois leaning on his gate nominated not Ockley<\/a> but Dorking<\/a>, which is actually roughly twice the distance but probably quicker by car. <\/p>\n

And this is of course not just a British disease. Cycling once in Poland, I became nervous when, in a forest with no-one else in sight, a car containing three burly gents overtook, gestured at me to stop, and, when I overtook them with all the nonchalance I could muster, returned the compliment, this time blocking the road:
\n- Sorry to bother you, but can you tell us the best way to Wroclaw\/Breslau?
\n- How do you expect me to know when I've obviously just crossed the border?
\n- Foreigners always have maps.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

With some folk geography and a would-be eggcorn.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[3],"tags":[234,266,270,269,268],"class_list":["post-2782","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-default","tag-london","tag-wikicommon-pheasant","tag-wikieggcorn","tag-wikimomotaro","tag-wikithe-birds-film"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/oreneta.com\/baldie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2782","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/oreneta.com\/baldie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/oreneta.com\/baldie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/oreneta.com\/baldie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/oreneta.com\/baldie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2782"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/oreneta.com\/baldie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2782\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3019,"href":"https:\/\/oreneta.com\/baldie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2782\/revisions\/3019"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/oreneta.com\/baldie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2782"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/oreneta.com\/baldie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2782"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/oreneta.com\/baldie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2782"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}