How I used to chant UB40’s Ivory Madonna when I was small, drunk and confused. Other well-known versions of this include “I’ve a green banana,” but no one gets misunderstood like Michael Jackson. This, from Misheard Lyrics, is not an excerpt from Beat It:
Heated, heated.
No one wants a beef fajita.
Show ‘em hot pocket, strong is [...]

Italian adopt-a-sheep scheme

Either condoms have suddenly become hideously expensive or there’s a missing link when The Guardian says that “British teenagers are better off … than ever before” while the BBC says they’re using crisp packets because they can’t afford the real thing. The solution is obvious - sell crisps wrapped in condoms - and the title [...]

The agent just can’t figure out why he’s had this place on the market for months. The neighbours believe that it may have something to do with the fact that sometimes lumps of concrete fall on you as you walk past.

Meanwhile, back in Britain,
Hanging baskets are to be banned on lampposts in a country town [...]

“It is unfortunate it happened but it could have happened to them anywhere,” said the Spanish Tourist Office of a roadside attack here on a family from Devon by a Latino gang. Er, probably not in Devon.

Reports the Chicago Tribune:
New Lenox’s newest cop barks, or at least understands, only a foreign tongue. So when canine officer Bear joined the force five months ago, his partner, Officer John Conroy, learned to give commands to the Czech born and bred German shepherd in his native language. “It is a bit of a twist,” [...]