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  • Dear people, you may want to subscribe to a different feed!

    The business (basically a CRM database) passed into better hands in 2012. The site remains here for cannibalisation and amusement. Now, howsabout hiring a singing organ-grinder for your event in the UK, France, Belgium, the Netherlands or Spain?! RSS is here.

  • Attack of the killer pheasant

    Walking west out of Gatwick this morning, already pretty muddy from the banks of the rerouted River Mole (it doesn’t flood so much as fail to absorb its tributaries, but v pretty – a kingfisher, lots of watervoles), and slipping and sliding over very wet chalk and clay on the bridleway to Charlwood, when I start catching up with a cock pheasant hurrying along the track.

    Fifty yards later I’m on its heels, and it ducks through the hedge and starts walking parallel to me, beading me the while. The way is blocked by a semi-submerged, semi-destroyed farm gate, and as I figure out how to get over without drowning or dying of tetanus, the bird rushes out and starts pecking hard at my legs. I back off, it follows, I kick it along the track, it runs back, its eyes bright red, and starts flying round, Hitchcocking my head with beak and claws. I try an impossible karate kick of a type previously attempted on two Bosnian assailants in a place called Enschede. Then: a week off work for me with a bad back, broken legs for one of them when they encored their trick on some nightclub bouncers. Today: me to early mudbath, pheasant in hedge, undamaged and making bloodcurdling broody hen gurgles.

    Evidence from the cream of British MSM (Daily Mail, Telegraph) suggests a niche support group may be in order for the victims of pheasant attacks. (The Japanese have more aggressive pheasants – see eg Momotarō – but Asian species are different.) I guess this case was a combination of familiarity with humans and territorial defence, although various evidence suggests that the latter is normally common in spring – so maybe it’s all down to global warming. Whatever, I don’t imagine this particular bird will last long in a Boxing Day shoot.

    I have been attacked by various animals, mainly while cycling, and own a fantasy repertoire of defences, mostly acquired from a Yankee cyclepath (eggcorn: wheeled psychopath), conceived with dogs and cardrivers in mind, and all completely unimplementable for a plump coward like myself. For example: as it closes in, bite snout hard and pull forelegs apart till ribcage cracks, eat heart; grab tongue and pull it out; thrust bike pump hard down throat; etc. Bulls you are meant to punch on the nose, horses and cows do actually respond well to arm-windmills, large herds of bullocks or heifers will trample you to death whatever you do, bears… But I’d never considered the threat posed by the humble pheasant, apart from its spikey little bones when you give it to a drunk with a meat cleaver to butcher and then casserole the remains.

    On an entirely different note, the ignorance of country folk re their local topography never ceases to amaze. I was walking today without chart or compass – going west isn’t that difficult with a watch on a sunny day – and was a tad confused when I left the pub in Newdigate, a village I’d never heard of. Asked for directions to the easiest station to walk to, both a mother-with-child from the social housing and an elderly bourgeois leaning on his gate nominated not Ockley but Dorking, which is actually roughly twice the distance but probably quicker by car.

    And this is of course not just a British disease. Cycling once in Poland, I became nervous when, in a forest with no-one else in sight, a car containing three burly gents overtook, gestured at me to stop, and, when I overtook them with all the nonchalance I could muster, returned the compliment, this time blocking the road:
    – Sorry to bother you, but can you tell us the best way to Wroclaw/Breslau?
    – How do you expect me to know when I’ve obviously just crossed the border?
    – Foreigners always have maps.

  • Video in Spanish by foreign language students warning against street crime in Barcelona

    I thought the reënactments in the second half were rather good. One of the commenters, however, mistook the medium for the message and was seized by an attack of lust.

    (Via Robbed in Barcelona. Here’s one I managed to photograph, in Vilafranca del Penedès.)

  • Please God let Deutsche Bahn run Spain’s trains

    Tudela to Vitoria on August 29. Renfe’s route planner:

    00622 ALVIA 12.12 14.08 1 h. 56 min.

    DB:

    dep 07:13 arr 09:50 2:37 1 R
    dep 12:12 arr 14:08 1:56 0 A
    dep 15:12 arr 17:49 2:37 1 R

    You see, those scheming Germans have used the same data but added a hundred lines of code to include train changes in the results, and it’s been that way for a decade.

    Both companies currently have the ability to add another hundred lines and enable cyclists to select a bike-permissive service. The German site says they can do it but then backs off with the feeble excuse that they can’t invoice the result. The Spanish site doesn’t even mention the topic, and customer service in Barcelona may actually give you false information about availability in other parts of Spain.

    No guesses as to who will crack these nuts first, whatever the cost to German taxpayers. Even better would be to copy some aspects of British liberalisation and open up data access so that more or less anyone can set up a timetable and ticket purchase site, but neither the Spanish nor the German state operates like that.

  • 21 today-ish

    I’m cycling a couple of thou in France this summer, so it’s kind of cool that I’ve still got the same pair of bags on my bike as on my first mission to the Gauls in 1991. That was also my first lengthy cycling trip, and I did just about everything wrong.

    The Oldenzaal-Gent leg was fine, but my 3-speed juggernaut was grossly overloaded with useless crap – tent, cooker, maps – and several vats of kriek lambiek during an evening of Flemish music-making left me struggling.

    I then made the somewhat unfortunate error of going Ugandan with two wild and wispy things from Antwerp without checking that individually or collectively they constituted the current girlfriend, and at six in the morning I was forced to flee at the greatest speed available to Sturmey Archer users from her and a bus called something like The Garden of Earthly Delights.

    By the time I had got a couple of hundred metres over the cobbles, I had acquired several flesh wounds, and the pannier belt straps had been torn off by the back spokes. I wasn’t that bothered – strapping up had been tricky anway – and since that day I’ve just hung them off the back seat and tried earnestly to abstain from adultery.

    Although I have rarely thought of them, they have since then been of great service on various occasions. They were my removal van one summer’s weekend when I swapped a Cambridge hothouse for a City loony bin, they transported my ballgown, wigs and diverse accessories during my dazzling career as a transvestite bar pianist in the swamps of the Aryan hinterland, and Michael Jackson may have been inspired by them to prance the more when I cycled by mistake onto the Budapest set of his HIStory video.

    If AGU want to send me some more, I will be most grateful and promise I’ll take better care of them, but otherwise I hope some kind soul will gather and bury the important bits of me in these ones when I am finally crushed and quartered by a straying obesemobile.
    Error: the communication with Picasa Web Albums didn’t go as expected. Here’s what Picasa Web Albums said:





    Error 404 (Not Found)!!1

    404. That’s an error.

    The requested URL /data/feed/api/user/111257672258796628424/album/KalebeulPanniers?kind=photo&authkey=Gv1sRgCPOj4fH-kOqlfA was not found on this server. That’s all we know.

  • Creative pyromania

    I’ve only been walking in Spanish forests for a decade, but even in that period a decline in their recreational use and maintenance has been noticeable. Reflecting the monomaniacal obsession with the Camino de Santiago, a few paths have become extremely popular but most are rarely used and a considerable proportion have become inaccessible, passing through overgrown woods with comparatively low biodiversity. It is well-known that dogshit stops 20 metres from the obesemobile-park, and not many of our clients choose to venture beyond the city limits. This tendency has been exacerbated by a steady decline in agriculture, blah blah blah… But why listen to an ignorant fool instead of Boris Vannière et al, A fire paradox in ecosystems around the Mediterranean:

    The paleofire record from the Mediterranean is paradoxical. Climatic variations have certainly acted as one of the main pacemakers of fire regimes, particularly in the first half of the Holocene. Under different climate conditions (e.g., seasonality of precipitation), the southern and northern Mediterranean may have been differentially impacted by fire. Similarly, human actions (e.g., directly via ignition or indirectly via fuel management) have both increased and decreased fire activity during the Holocene. Increased sedimentary charcoal influx is often associated with pre- and proto-historic forest clearance but in the late Holocene, wildfire frequency often reached a maximum during phases of land abandonment and secondary scrub-woodland development, e.g., during the last century in much of Mediterranean Europe. Even apparently well established relationships, such as evergreen oaks being favored by fire, turn out to be wrong when viewed over decadal to centennial timescales. These complex long-term responses are significant in the context as well as major regional land-use changes linked to agricultural and tourism development around the Mediterranean Sea. Understanding them will help us to better manage and preserve one of the most fire-prone regions of the world, characterized by extraordinary plant diversity.

    Preventative pyromania is cheap and effective though still taboo in Spain – ¡pobres animalitos! ¡trees are sacred! Learning from California’s disastrous record of fire suppression – instead of repeating West Coast hippy mantras – might enable us to avoid repeating their errors, cut emergency budgets and create pleasant, usable forests. A paper the other week from UC Berkeley, The Effects of Forest Fuel-Reduction Treatments in the United States, made more or less these points:

    The current conditions of many seasonally dry forests in the western and southern United States, especially those that once experienced low- to moderate-intensity fire regimes, leave them uncharacteristically susceptible to high-severity wildfire. Both prescribed fire and its mechanical surrogates are generally successful in meeting short-term fuel-reduction objectives such that treated stands are more resilient to high-intensity wildfire. Most available evidence suggests that these objectives are typically accomplished with few unintended consequences, since most ecosystem components (vegetation, soils, wildlife, bark beetles, carbon sequestration) exhibit very subtle effects or no measurable effects at all. Although mechanical treatments do not serve as complete surrogates for fire, their application can help mitigate costs and liability in some areas. Desired treatment effects on fire hazards are transient, which indicates that after fuel-reduction management starts, managers need to be persistent with repeated treatment, especially in the faster-growing forests in the southern United States.

    Unfortunately article access is not free (why not?!), but there’s a slightly more wideranging summary here. Here’s the last chunk:

    Stephens noted that two-thirds of the fuel-reduction treatments in the western United States rely upon mechanical thinning, which would be much more costly than prescribed burns to scale up. In the southeast region, the use of prescribed fire dominates.

    In the West, particularly in California, the biggest challenge to expanding controlled burns is the potential reduction in air quality during treatment, said Stephens.

    “We have a choice,” he said, “of dealing with lower levels of smoke from prescribed fires that may only be needed every 15 years or so, and which can be timed for optimum wind conditions, or acute levels of smoke from catastrophic fires that can last for months when they hit.”

    Perhaps massive mob use of fireworks on St John’s Eve could be strategically redeployed to target rural zones, earlier in the year.

  • Introducing the Gaudí Experience theme park

    I haven’t been up to Park Güell for a couple of months, so I guess this is about Gestmusic Endemol (ex La Trinca) reinventing the office space they have up there – the gym where Pare Jacint Alegre meets Molist used to be used for Operación Triunfo, but tastes change, and who are we to object.

    Anyway, the good news gleaned from the trailer is that this mini-attraction will recreate Gaudí’s construction techniques as well as giving us an insight into his extraordinarily liberal musical tastes:

    All together now:

    Money was my first love
    and it will be my last.
    Money in the future
    and money in the past.

    (H/t DE)

  • Excellent mashup of the visible and the invisible on the Appian way

    Robert Kaster & spouse did this, and much, much more, and the resulting book – thanks tender sender! – is thoroughly recommended. (And don’t worry: seasoned jaywalkers won’t find the first bit anything like as frightening as they did: they’re drivers rather than walkers, and I’ll bet a really pedantic researcher could dig out something about the dangers of cart traffic in second century Rome.) Recently I also enjoyed the adventures in the Callixtine catacombs (From the oak to the olive, 1868) of Julia Ward Howe – progressive at home, tomb-raider abroad – and Skateboarding on the Appian Way has got to be good.

  • Beyond spacetime

    I absolutely love the surviving space-age 3D shows in Italian theme parks; scratch and sniff was never given the chance it deserved; and now a new generation of attractions suggest that the old dream of escape from Pointland may be obtainable in exchange for a couple of euros. Unfortunately the show pictured above was closed, but a Turkish vendor gives a hint at the post-Deutschian freakiverse I may have missed:

    6D Cinema!
    6D Cinema ; we are talking about a cinema system,are created with effects, like wind-snow-rain-fog-smoke and moving a program, synchronize the on-screen film, in order to provide a virtual reality. This is exciting to feel more realistic and more convincing movement…

    The something that makes you feelings ,is 6 axis robot mechanism. Action system is 6 degrees permissiveness, in imaginary reality system, subject that measured by the sensor and the short name of turning entries. It is a system that includes typical Cartesian (x,y,z) and spatial coordinates, in addition turning to the right vertical and horizontal. It has carrying capacity up to 800 kg. and full 6 D:O:F system.

    What’s New
    Up to now, DUAL 3D PROJECTOR which produced the most advanced, had high precision throughthe projector to show 24 frames per second .In order to ensure 3D effects, the twin lenses of the projector is carefully set for left and right images to reflect on the big screen. Polarizing filters in front of the projector is matched with polarize glasses which audience wear. Double projection provides the film which played as a right and left eyes Polarize Filter Glasses in our eyes , and projected image to Silver Screen which previewing excellent in 3D.

    Advantages!
    In this cinema system, everything in 5 minitues is running out. This system in your cinema which people spend their free times for entertainment, provides you a serious interest and prestige. Customers will experience the excitemenet with just 5 TL. ,and in 9 people halls , 60 people can live this excitement in an hour.

    And here’s a pirated Brazilian 6D show, with “Imagem 3D, som Dolbby 7.2, Poltronnas Robotizadas… Cheiro, Efeitos de luz e Sensação de água… MUITO FRACO!”, but regrettably without the Turks’ retro-Ottomania “6 degrees permissiveness” (or is this some filthy anthropologist with a perverted kinship show?):

    If only we Europeans could trade in all our extra dimensions for a steady income stream, like Old Farmer Brown:

    James Brown Messing with the blues by trebots on Grooveshark